[from 25 february 2024] I’m lying in a bed, somewhere in middle Ohio, mulling over last night’s book club discussion…

we had read a YA novel that both admirably and disappointingly had tried to address too many real-life topics, to the extent that it flattened out all of them to just another “and.”

and missing Indigenous women, girls, and two-spirit people

and disability

and mental health

AND anti-Black racism

AND how capitalism is bad

AND AND AND

it was a lot, and ultimately washed out any impact the author may have intended. I know real life is a lot, too, and all of these things are important, but focus matters in storytelling.

anyhow, as I lie here, I’m thinking about how we try to structure our book club when we have virtual attendees and how I too-often inadvertently break the rule of “one at a time,” a guideline set so our comments don’t become one huge jumble of noise to those participating via computer. I get excited when I’m part of a good conversation, and it’s hard for me to hold back. I’m prone to cut people off to fervently agree, less so when I don’t so I can give the other person time to finish their thoughts. last night, I jumped the line and when one person was just finishing their thought, I started mine because I thought our comments dovetailed nicely.

we all then got admonished for making it hard to conduct a proper discussion. I knew I was the offender though and felt embarrassed.

I think about this. how I just say things without pausing or letting others go first. how when I do get to speak and say something I think is Important it always sounds breathless and rushed, like if it doesn’t come out now it never will*. how too often I hold back when I want to and should say something but I also don’t want to start an argument.

too many thoughts. sometimes it’s a lot. especially when lying in bed.

*part of this is due to essential tremor. it’s not an uncommon way for it to manifest – a shaky voice that sounds nervous.